The Mayer of Douche Town

I can’t figure out why everyone is so mad at John Mayer (pictured, right).

I mean, I get it, he used the n-word and claimed he had a “white supremacist” penis. Having to hear about John Mayer’s wang should be enough to cause rioting in the streets, but repulsion aside, all this incident really illustrates is what we’ve known all along.

John Mayer is a douchebag.

He’s not a racist. He’s not even stupid. He’s just shooting his mouth off, trying to be clever and edgy, like Family Guy or Glenn Beck. Classic douchebag behavior.

But we’ve always known John Mayer is a douchebag. He writes music for douchebags who pretend they’re sensitive so that they can nail freshman chicks. “Oh baby, this is my first time too . . . .” they tell you . . . and your roommate . . . and their lab partner . . . There have been more regretful virginity-losing experiences to “Your Body is a Wonderland” than to Dave Matthew’s Band “Crush” and the Police “Every Breath You Take.” I’m almost positive you can get Chlamydia just listening to John Mayer.

And like a typical douchebag, Mayer doesn’t even have the sack to stand by his fake edginess. He cried on stage! What a wuss! He’s not sorry that he offended his black friends, he’s upset that his oh-I-went-there didn’t arrive at it’s destination.

Crocodile tears aside, you just know all of it was a calculated move to get the most coverage/tail. It’s the celeb cycle—as soon as the spotlight is off said celeb for one teeny millisecond, they immediately do the dumbest, most attention-grabbing thing they can in a desperate plea for headlines. Britney shaved her head. Tila Tequila pretended to be a lesbian/engaged/mourning/pregnant. Lindsey Lohan recently screamed that she’s a hoarder. They’re not unlike infants, who’ll cry just for the sake of crying. Robert “Wash Your Damn Hair!” Pattison is stealing all the dirty, smelly “sensitive” limelight, and this makes Mayer wet his Spiderman Underroos. So he quickly says “n-----” and everyone reacts. Now that the spotlight is on him, he can cry, apologize, promise to go to rehab/anger management/sensitivity training. He’ll pose with the Rev. Al Sharpton and play a concert for Haiti. Ah, the plan is working!

So why are we flipping out? John Mayer has admitted that the sky is blue, that cookies are yummy, that he’s a pathetic douchebag . . . all things we already know. He’s been a douchebag since “No Such Thing” hit the airwaves, and when all this passes, he’ll still be a douchebag.

I'm just glad he finally had the courage to admit it.