Tuesday, August 3, 2010

An open letter to Jeff Goldblum

Dear Jeff,

Your leaving Law and Order: Criminal Intent is simply not acceptable.  You wooed me once again as Det. Zachary Nichols, stealing the spotlight off my former love for Vince D'onfrio, you charmed me away from Det. Elliot Stabler, whom I have lusted after since I was about 21.  But I feel I have been dumped, Mr. Goldblum, and rather unceremoniously.

You may be thinking, "Ah, yes, but you, yes, you are in love with another man!  Yes, this, ah, Walton Goggins has stolen you away from me!  How can my skinny slacks compare with his boot cut jeans!"  And yes, while I do have mad love for Detective Vendrell, this does not change the fact that it was you who I loved first. . . you in Independence Day, you in Earth Girls Are Easy, you in Vibes.  I loved you in The Fly and Transylvania 6-500 and I would have loved in you Raines if it ever came out on DVD.

How can Walton Goggins compare to that?  With PredatorsRandy and the Mob?  My love for him is strong, yes, but it is brief and I assure you will fade with his absence.  Also, I think he's about to be brutally murdered by Vic, so I want to distance myself from Shane before he breaks my heart.

But you, Jeff, you have broken my heart.  You left without a goodbye.  Even Eric Bogosian gave us a death sequence.  But you are gone, off to someplace else . . . and I am gone into another man's arms . . .

After all, there's always Justified.

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