The Greatest Thing Ever Might Happen

Jeff Goldblum might be on Justified.


Yes, I know I complain all the time about the lazy writing, poor character development and general lack of Goggins nudity on Justified.  What can I say?  I hate the show.

But Goldblum, yes, sweet Goldblum!  It's as though my 13 year old self and my 28 year old self are giving each other a high-five . . . of course, the last time this happened, we got Cowboys and Aliens, but, as every season of Justified begins, I am filled with hope that maybe this time it will finally get good and stop being stupid.  Maybe they'll finally take my suggestion of getting rid of Raylan and just letting the criminals of Harlan County trick and manipulate and kill each other.


Probably not, but at least it will give me extra hotness to look at.  

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

ME!



You Know You Want It

 My friend Eeon, who is one half of Canned Laser and is perhaps the funniest person alive, recently turned me onto the comic Preacher, seeing as how one of my failed novels (but several stories) were about a vigilante preacher who I'm just going to come out say is about a million times sexier (in my head) than the Rev. Jesse Custer


Unless Jesse was played by Walton Goggins.

Preacher isn't exactly my cup of tea--it's a little on the Frank Miller side, lots of random swearing and violence for the sake of swearing and violence (although I will defend The Hard Goodbye as one of the finest pieces of short crime fiction written in recent history--other than "The PI's Wife," of course)  But with rumors recently flying about a possible film adaptation, I would like to nominate our own Boyd Crowder for the coveted role.  He's got the voice, he looks good in a suit and even better with a Bible in his hands, and he's got that sexy hair (okay, so it's a little sparse, but Jesse's rockin' that early 80's Jeff Goldblum in The Fly pseudo-mullet an no one wants to see that.

Seriously, though, he'd be perfect.  I can't imagine an actor who'd be better for the part.  But you just know that if they ever get around to making the movie (they won't) they'll cast some ponce like Shia Le Pouf or James Franco.  And Jessica Alba as Tulip.  Chance Crawford or some other weird shirtless dude faking a bad Irish accent as Cassidy.  Gross Gross Gross. 

So the point is, Hollywood, if you're not going to do something right, don't bother doing it at all.

An open letter to Jeff Goldblum

Dear Jeff,

Your leaving Law and Order: Criminal Intent is simply not acceptable.  You wooed me once again as Det. Zachary Nichols, stealing the spotlight off my former love for Vince D'onfrio, you charmed me away from Det. Elliot Stabler, whom I have lusted after since I was about 21.  But I feel I have been dumped, Mr. Goldblum, and rather unceremoniously.

You may be thinking, "Ah, yes, but you, yes, you are in love with another man!  Yes, this, ah, Walton Goggins has stolen you away from me!  How can my skinny slacks compare with his boot cut jeans!"  And yes, while I do have mad love for Detective Vendrell, this does not change the fact that it was you who I loved first. . . you in Independence Day, you in Earth Girls Are Easy, you in Vibes.  I loved you in The Fly and Transylvania 6-500 and I would have loved in you Raines if it ever came out on DVD.

How can Walton Goggins compare to that?  With Predators?  Randy and the Mob?  My love for him is strong, yes, but it is brief and I assure you will fade with his absence.  Also, I think he's about to be brutally murdered by Vic, so I want to distance myself from Shane before he breaks my heart.

But you, Jeff, you have broken my heart.  You left without a goodbye.  Even Eric Bogosian gave us a death sequence.  But you are gone, off to someplace else . . . and I am gone into another man's arms . . .

After all, there's always Justified.

Ugly Men I Have Loved

On this, the eve of both my final graduate school residency, my friend Eeon's wedding and, most importantly, the release of Predators, it is time I confess what everyone has known for months.

I am so in love with Walton Goggins.



I love his femmy eyes.  I love his woodchuck teeth.  I love his receeding hairline and his southern accent and his boot cut jeans.  The man's got the nicest pants I've ever seen, even beating out Jeff Goldblum's skinny slacks on Law and Order: Criminal Intent.


Ian and I have been devouring The Shield. We just finished season five, and things are getting rough.  I sobbed during the finale.  It was not good, but for whatever reason, I just couldn't stay mad at Shane.  And I know things aren't going to end well for him, because it's The Shield, and nothing ends well for anybody.

By all logic, I should have had the crush on Dutch Boy, because he looks like Homicide's Det. Bayliss, who I was secretly in love with back in the day.

Or Lem, who looks like Trigun's Vash the Stampede.

Okay, that's cheating, because I did have a crush on Lem, but anyone who's watched The Shield knows that that's a love that ends pretty badly.

But there was just something about Shane that struck me.  Maybe it was because there's an ernestly about Shane, a real divide between wanting to do right by Vic and the team and wanting to do right by Shane.  He's the most complex character on the show, and I'm drawn to that.  Plus, as I said before, the man wears a pair of blue jeans like you can't believe.

Walton Goggins is just one more in a long list of ugly celebrities I've had the hots for, which includes babes like Benicio del Toro in Sin City, Adrien Brody (who's also in Predators) and Tom Waits in Down By Law.  In my defense, Tom Waits has an absolutely breathtaking heinie.  Watch the scene where the cops frisk him and check that thing out.  It's really something special.

My adoration for ugly dudes does not manifest itself in my real life.  Ian looks like Ewan McGregor.  My friend Matthew, the second hottest guy I know, looks like Jeff Goldblum, unless he's wearing his other glasses and then he looks like Morrissey. 

But on film, ugliness carries a raw sexuality.  There are a million petty boys, but to find a man with Benicio del Toro's lips or Walton Goggins' eyes or Tom Waits butt is a real gem.  They captivate me and I can't look away.

Also, Shane once said, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'" which just about made me faint dead away.  The man knows what the ladies like.

Of course, my friend Eeon, not thinking ahead, planned his wedding for the day Predators opens.  I think he's letting me give Bill Pullman's speech from Independence Day to make up for this grevious error.  I forgive him.  I'm a generous girl.

Dennis Hopper, Friend to Dinosaurs

Dennis Hopper received his Star on the Walk of Fame on Friday, and pictures from the event show him gaunt, in a wheelchair, and close to death from cancer. Such a sad end to a man who terrified the ever loving bejeezus out of me as a kid.

Dennis Hopper is, in a way, responsible for my idiotic affection for dinosaurs. Now granted, most 8 year olds know more about dinosaurs that I do; my knowledge is limited to that dinosaurs are cool. I’ve read Jurassic Park something like twenty million times. I probably don’t have to tell you why I watch the movie.

And whenever my BFF/writing partner Matthew and I go to a conference, we try to find someplace with dinosaurs we can look at. Wells Dinosaur Haven has been our favorite so far.

But back to Dennis Hopper. To me, Hopper will always be Koopa from Super Mario Bros. You’re laughing. Go ahead, laugh. But my reasoning is this—awful as it was, Super Mario Bros. was the first movie I was allowed to see by myself at the single-screen movie theater up the street from house. I was 8, and it has been imprinted on my mind ever since.

Hopper gnaws his way through scenery like a homeless Seth Rogan in a dipsty dumpster, spitting hunks of cardboard and plywood with every over-wrought line of dialogue. But right at the end, when Mario and Luigi think they’ve de-evolved him, he jumps OUT of this giant bucket to bite their faces off. I was sitting forward in my seat and I jumped back so hard that Trista, whose mother also let her go to the movies un-chaperoned, laughed out loud. It was the first real cinematic reaction I remember having, and the adrenaline rush was intoxicating. It was then that movies went from being something to watch to something to experience.

I’ve seen Easy Rider. I’ve seen Blue Velvet. They were great, but Super Mario Bros. directly impacted how I relate to the cinema experience; the thrill I get when the trailers begin, the way I chain-chomp a package of candy cigarettes, the exact way I sit forward in my seat at the tensest moment. My prayers go out to Dennis Hopper, as well as an all-too-belated thanks.

Boys on Film . . .naked ones

Male nudity, once heavily frowned upon in film, is becoming more and more acceptable.  This needs to stop.  Not because it's indecent, but because it's usually perpetrated by people who are gross, like Kevin Bacon or Jason Seigel, and can permenantly damage the fragile, budding sexuality of young people.  My first actual experience with male nudity (I grew up in a house with all sisters) was seeing Geoffrey Rush in Quills.  Mr. Rush is a handsome man, but I do not want to see his area.  The same goes for you, JK Simmons.  We'll make an exception for Chris Meloni.

That being said, I must take this time to praise the two most beautiful naked men Hollywood has ever offered us.  If you have ever doubted the existance of God, these two will prove that not only does He exist, but man is truly made in His great image.  And the fact that these two actors star in films bearing the name Adam cannot be a coincidence.

I'm talking, of course, about Ewan McGregor and Jeff Goldblum.

In Young Adam, Ewan is just lying there on the bed, smoking a cigarette, lovely cock dangling against his alabaster thigh, pillowed on a tuft of red-gold public hair.  It might be the most beautiful thing in existance.  It is the Holy Grail of wangs.  And there's an odd unsexiness too it, not the repulsion one might get if seeing, say, Jack Black in the buff but just simply a "huh, wow, there's Ewan McGregor's lightsaber.  Hmm."  The casualness of it makes it almost more real and, to my mind, more titilating.  He is proud of his cock, as well he should be, and he is content to just lay in bed and smoke all day.  Fine by me, except for the smoking part, I'm allergic.  Maybe we could eat cadbury eggs instead.

In Adam, Resurrected, Jeff Goldblum opens the film, literally, with a shot of his buttocks as peered through the keyhole.  Pushing sixty, Goldblum has a nicer bum than I've seen on some guys my age.  It's firm, it's round, it's well lifted.  No cellulite, no wrinkles, no evidence of sagging.  Really, quite lovely, artistic even.  He stays clothed for the rest of the film, but please, don't let that stop you.  And let's not forget that Jeff bares it all, from a side shot, in both The Fly and my favorite, Earth Girls Are Easy.

So enough with the joke nudity, and enough with ugly guys baring it all to prove that they can.  We get it, Seth Rogan, you don't care what you look like.  Well, frankly, we don't either.

Boys On Film

I suppose it's time to 'fess up . . . I'm not just writing this blog so I can prattle on and on about just how much I hate John Mayer, I started this in conjunction with a graduate school memoir project . . . you know the type. 

But I'm sort of wishy-washy on exactly what I want to do . . .do I write the story of my life in music that I've loved, a la Cassettes from My Ex, or do I attempt to alter the model just a touch and write the story of my life via movies I've loved?  Am I Rob Scheffield or Kevin Murphy? 

And specifically, how do either of them relate to my number one favorite thing ever, falling in love?  Because I fall in love a lot, and there's always some pop culture componant because I am a Manic Pixie Dream Geek.  For instance, right now I am trying not to be in love with Vic Mackey. . . but how do I resist that big, dumb face?

So the point is that I'm going to do both.  This blog will now host two sections, one the Record of the Month Club that all five of you have come to know and love, and the other titled Boys on Film, which I'm sure all five of you will grow to know and love.  So keep an eye out for ramblings about Jeff Goldblum, because I promise you, there will be many of them.

He's Just So Dreamy!