Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I have realized something beautiful about Netflix Streaming.  Something more beautiful than being able to watch Archer in one sitting.  Something more beautiful than Blackadder

Netflix streaming will be the death of film nerds.

I am a film nerd.  And I can be a pretty arrogant one.  I mean, heck, I keep a blog about it.  My freakish knowledge of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and other formerly-obscure B-movies lends me a sort of superiority, especially when combined with my extensive background in literature.

No more.  And I couldn't be more grateful.

For as much of a film snob as I am (I've seen three movies this year because everything else looks so mind-numbingly dull that I'd be better off getting a lobotomy) I hate other film snobs.  I hate hearing people sneer, "Oh, well, Robert Rodriguiz doesn't really do grindhouse film because he has more of a budget then grindhouse directors had, which is why the original films look that way"  No, really?  Please, tell me more crap any idiot already knows.  Please, go on about how special you are because you've seen Rubber.

Now, with streaming, we can all see Rubber.

No more pawing through VHS tapes at Salvation Army in search of the Mamie Van Doren hosted "Teenage Theater" version of Ed Wood's The Violent Years.  No more buying pirated DVDs of foreign films from Kim's Video on St. Marks.  No more tape trading.  And with the death of all those activities goes the thrill of being able to turn your rubbery chin up at someone who's never even heard of Never Been Thawed.

And soon, former film snobs will be able to come out of their basement and into the light.  Instead of looking down their blackhead-addled noses at other people, they'll be able to converse with them about Poultrygist and Mother.  New dialogues will open up over Mountain Dew and Snowcaps.  We will all make in-jokes about Dr. Katz together and we will know what someone is referencing when they say "*Except this glove." The AV Club will go silent, and Nathan Rabin be forgotten.  My God, it will be beautiful.

But, with the good comes the bad.  Like that Charlie Sheen won.  Major League III is no longer avaliable for streaming.  He did it!  He finally did it!  You maniac!  You took away the greatest thing America has ever seen!

*The Critic "A Little Deb Will Do Ya"

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